Employee Handbook
Revision 813 of the Apple employee handbook will be sent through the company network next week. In the meantime, please remember to follow the following guidelines:
Do not question Steve's decisions. His judgement is the final word.
It is recommended that you avoid encounters in the elevator.
For the company Halloween party, only Steve is allowed to wear a black turtleneck, jeans, and New Balance sneakers.
Should Steve ever be in mortal danger, be prepared to take the bullet.
Silver Audi TT's are reserved for Ive's industrial design team
Anyone caught in the offices using either Internet Explorer for Mac, Microsoft Office, or Real Media Player will have their jobs immediately terminated.
As of November, 2006, this rule also applies to employees caught using zune media players.
Only white earbuds are allowed on the Apple campus.
Employees will have their web browser histories regularly screened for activity on Mac rumor sites.
There will be dire consequences for interaction with the following sites:
MacRumors
AppleInsider
ThinkSecret
There will be minor consequences for interaction with:
LoopRumors
Every Friday afternoon, Apple employees are expected to meet in the cafeteria for the weekly Pixar movie screening. Attendance will be taken.
John Sculley must be referred to as "he who must not be named", and if so, only in a hushed voice.
Charismatic Apple employees are encouraged to try out for the "Apple Idol" Keynote auditions. Resemblance to Steve is a major plus.
Tryouts must be prepared to tone down charisma significantly for actual keynotes, to enhance Steve's RDF.
Above all, Apple employees are encouraged to "Think Different" as long as these thoughts remain within acceptable boundaries.
